My never ending expedition.

Gee louise I'm frustrated.... I have soooo much...I do, I have more than I could ever ask for. But the one thing I want more than anything, the one thing that has more meaning than anything I keep from myself and its there for the taking. God wants me to have it too more than anyting. A soft heart. Its like I have this armed guard force in front of it...each standing for there own reasons, one holding a sign saying guilt, another holding selfishness, another greed and many more lining up next to each other in rows and rows...not one wanting to move a muscle. This frustrates me oh soooo much. Galatians5:1...He came to set us free... Oh how I yern to tare down those signs and rejoice and tell those guards that they now are free to hold signs of freedom, peace, love and joy. I am disgusted with the amount of stuff I have but instead of being disgusted I should be rejoicing and singing praise for our Lord is sooo good to me. I am not to be a slave to stuff. I am to be free of those ...

I am so undeserving. And yet I harden my heart. Right at this moment I feel my heart is ready to break. All of today I have felt my heart has been hardened towards my God who has done and still does soo much for me every minute of every day. This is an awful feeling. Its like I have forgotten how to breath. That I have stopped. A very important part of these sentences is the I ..why you might ask..because I am the one changing my heart towards Him. He, my saviour never changes...he always is. Moses asked what shall I tell them when they ask your name and the Lord said tell them I am. For he is. I am the one who changes...my heart towards him changes, my mood changes, my status update changes..I change. And you know what I also means, I means I am without him for otherwise it would be we. I without him is nothing, I am nothing without him. Oh how I need my Lord and my saviour. Oh how I feel so much like nothing without him. I feel lost without him, lonely without him..I feel li...

Have you ever noticed things happening in your day or events happening in your life when you say to yourself..that was just weird, not normal or no one could have forseen it..like incidents were planned to happen, ment to happen but there was no way you or anyone else could have seen it coming...or even planned it for that matter! Its weird when that happens isnt it. For me its been happening a lot lately, but I really do think it was always happening in my life and also in your life but we just dont see it, or if we do we write it off as being some odd coincidence. During this summer I've been longing to study the bible more and more..ok so that doesnt sound like everyones cup of tea but it is mine-its like a big mug of barrys tea to me! Friends of mine have and are studying in a bible college in Siegen, Germany (Calvary Bible college). The more and more I heard about the bible college and studying the word, the more I grew excited about having the opportunity to study and tau...

Its been a week since I wrote, it really feels only a few days. More and more the time seems to fly by.. but each morning we wake its a fresh start. I think back to just this year and what has gone by. So much has changed. At the start of this year I was buying a house-with someone I knew wasnt right for me or me right for them. This year I was working in a job that i dreaded most mornings,that didnt bring out the best in me and brought me to tears more often than not...its scary to think how comfortable we get with things in our lives that arent right, that we dont like and that make us so unhappy. The person I was for the majority of this year seems like someone I was years ago...I look back and feel like years must have past because my life has change so much. Praise God for that. Even though I do seem to cry as much now as I did then but mostly I cry for I am full of joy..but when I cry because of sadness..it still isnt the same as before because I feel safe now, I am not alone...

So yes as Katie Tunstall says in her song Weirdo..."Still a weirdo after all these years"... yes yes I truely am. All my 23 years or at least what I can remember of them I've been unique,quirky even. I think we all must feel that way, that we are extra weird compared to the next person..we see it every day, people trying to fit in , be it with there clothes,lanuage, music, taste in films, hair do's, hair donts, tan..too much tan, no tan at all, friends, opinions, bringing each others group down so the one we are in, the "norm" we fit into seems like the "right" one. Are we..no matter what group we fall under or how much we try not to be in a group.. still trapped in that cycle of not comfortable in our own skin?? Yes some days its easy to say "well yes I am comfortable in my skin and happy with who I am" but how many days are there with the doubt,the unsureness, the self conciousness, the unsatisfation with our own bodies, our own minds, ...

Today I am thankful for a day of rest...And things that I have learned. So...its hard sitting, reading and thinking-I know it probably sounds like a great day to most.It is dont get me wrong, but what I struggled with today was handing my day over to the Lord and glorifying Him..Yes as I get up and go about a working day or a day full of plans I find it a simple joy to glorify Him in all I do.However give me a day of leasure at home and I seem to fill it with many visits to facebook, eating random food such as two eggs and a slice of cake for breakfast..coffee and cake for lunch and popcorn for dinner!!very nutritious indeed.Other activities of the day included mulling over the thought of going for a run..so much so that Ive almost convinced myself I have!! Key things missing from my day...the Word and prayer. You see my focus was not on the cross...and so I was lost. Before I used spend many a day wasted like today...I'd be waiting for something to happen, to have some purp...